How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
