I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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