my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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