This is not my ceiling
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
