Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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