Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want to make a zoo with you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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