I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize