woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
