can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
