i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
