from now on my penis is your penis
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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