Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
