Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
