My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
