3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
