can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
