Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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