Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
