got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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