What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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