Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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