btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
