Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
