In America we eat man semen.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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