im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
