I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
