why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
