Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
