guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
