the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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