Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You ruined the universe
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize