So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
