So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize