omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
