I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sorry my hands just texted you
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
