I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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