just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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