I just pynch a tree in the face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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