Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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