the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
