Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You can't special order awesome
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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