Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
3pm strippers are depressing
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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