I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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