Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
