The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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