i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
