spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize