found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
