His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
