I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
