I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
