my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
