Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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