ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
