In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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