Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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