why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
