I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize