What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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