If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
