I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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