a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
